What Are The Odds of That?
by Shekiah and Alunaer
Summary: In a fit of writer's block, Shekiah and Alunaer felt like being especially original and writing a story that wasn't a story. Fantine is the daughter of Valjean? Javert and Marius had a son? And where the crap are all these bar girls coming from?
1. Some Minor Parentage Issues

_**What Are the Odds of That?**_

**A random Les Mis fic by Shekiah and Alunaer, created in a fit of writer's block.**

**NOTE FROM THE AUTHORESSES:** This was created, as previously stated (Hey! That rhymes!) in a fit of writer's block. Underwear Shopping is on hold because of writer's block. We must kill it.

**Disclaimer: **We own not Les Mis, or any of the other fandoms (or phandoms) later mentioned. And we are not really prostitutes.

**A warning to you all:** This is possibly the strangest fic we have ever written. If you value your lunch, sanity, and opinions of the sexualities of bushes, turn away now.

Shekiah and Alunaer

* * *

CHAPTER ONE: Some Minor Parentage Issues

Let's say Valjean is 52.

Don't ask why we're telling you this now. Just know.

Fantine is 23.

Don't ask why we're telling you this either. Just know.

Madame Thenardier is 37.

You know the drill by now.

So in theory, Jean Valjean could be the father of Fantine.

Madame Thenardier could have been raped at the age of 14.

That would have made Jean Valjean 30.

We know he was in prison at that point.

We don't care.

Madame Thenardier left Fantine on somebody's doorstep.

She doesn't know that Cosette is her granddaughter.

What are the odds of that?


	2. Some Major Parentage Issues

**Some Major Parentage Issues**

**Note from the Authoresses: **We're going to update this in 2s, just because we've been so bad with our updating.

* * *

Marius is about 28.

This is completely irrelevant information.

Javert is 52.

This is also completely irrelevant.

Gavroche is about 12.

This _is _actually rather relevant.

Marius is also 16 at this time.

Let's say that Marius is . . . gay.

He never liked Cosette that much when he met her.

He was just trying to in vain to woo her father.

He has a fetish for 40 year old guys.

Since Valjean didn't work out, he had to try for the only other 40 year old guy he knew of.

Javert and Marius got along very well.

Very well.

Gavroche was born soon afterwards.

We don't know how, he just was.

Javert and Marius dumped him on the Thenardiers' doorstep.

It was actually purely accidental.

But that no longer matters.

So the Thenardiers' son is actually the son of the angry police dude and the revolutionary dude.

What are the odds of that?


	3. Some Minor Allergy Issues

Some Minor Allergy Issues

* * *

The Revolution hit the French Kleenex factories very hard.

They suffered many financial losses.

Marius has allergies.

This is all you need to know for now.

* * *

Marius has no Kleenexes.

He is very sad.

Because his nose is running.

Eponine got shot.

She is very sad.

Because she is dying.

Marius is holding Eponine.

He found this an opportune moment to wipe his nose in her hair.

"Why are you wiping your nose in my hair?" asks Eponine.

"Because I have no Kleenex," Marius explained.

"Oh," Eponine replied. "Cosette's hair looks more like a Kleenex."

"Oh," Marius replied.

Then Eponine sang a song about rain and flowers.

And then she died.

And Marius ran off to wipe his nose in Cosette's hair.

Because he still has no Kleenex.

What are the odds of that?


	4. Some Major Allergy Issues

Some Major Allergy Issues

* * *

Marius likes to wipe his nose.

This is very relevant.

Llamas are very shaggy.

This is somewhat relevant, but more obvious.

Cosette's hair looks like a Kleenex.

You should know this by now.

* * *

"Marius, why are you wiping your nose in my hair?" Cosette asked.

"Because Eponine told me to," Marius said.

"If Eponine told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?" Cosette asked him.

"Only if she slipped on a banana peel first," Marius replied.

"SSSH! Save that for the later chapters!" Cosette whispered, looking around.

This was rather hard to do.

Because Marius was still wiping his nose on her hair.

But his nose was still running.

Cosette was not happy.

She slapped him.

And ran away.

And got her maid to wash her hair.

Although she doesn't have a maid.

But we don't care.

Andnow Marius had nothing to wipe his nose on.

He wiped his nose on a passing llama.

The llama didn't like being used as a replacement Kleenex.

It kicked him.

For some reason, with Marius it didn't hurt.

The llama ran away.

Marius still had allergies.

But he had nothing to wipe his nose on.

This was not a very major allergy issue.

…

What are the odds of that?


	5. Some Minor Banana Issues

Some Minor Banana Issues 

Marius has allergic reactions to banana peels.

This is irrelevant information.

Gavroche likes eat bananas and throw (on the floor) the banana peels.

This is somewhat relevant information.

This is the only mildly PG chapter of this fic.

That is irrelevant, but interesting none the less.

Cosette has a tendency to slip on banana peels.

This is incredibly relevant information.

Gavroche was eating a banana one day.

He dropped the peel on the floor.

The maid was annoyed.

So maybe he does not have a maid.

But nobody cares.

At least we don't.

Do you?

Well nobody cares about you, either.

So Cosette wanders along and slips on the banana peel.

As we all knew that she would.

It's called dramatic irony.

But once again nobody cares.

Eponine happened to be walking by.

She looked up and saw a flying Cosette.

She wondered why the flying Cosette was getting bigger.

She wondered why Cosette was flying in the first place.

Then Cosette hit.

She was followed by Marius.

Marius was followed by Javert.

Javert was followed by Jean Valjean.

Jean Valjean was followed by three Persian bar girls.

Everybody fell on accident.

But the bar girls fell on purpose.

Because they like landing on French men.

And they have impeccable aim.

Marius was on top of Cosette.

He wasn't complaining.

Javert was on top of Marius.

He wasn't complaining, either.

Valjean was on top of Javert.

He _was_ complaining.

The Persian bar girls were on top of Valjean.

They most certainly were _not_ complaining.

Eponine was at the bottom of the heap.

You had better believe that she was complaining.

And Gavroche stood off to the side, eating a banana.

What are the odds of that?


	6. Some Major Banana Issues

Some Major Banana Issues 

Marius is allergic to banana peels.

You should have learned this last chapter.

It is actually fairly relevant information this chapter.

Cosette tends to slip on banana peels.

You should also have learned this last chapter.

It is not relevant information this chapter.

Enjolras likes to screw Persian bar girls.

The Persian bar girls know this very well.

Wait.

How the heck did _this_ kind of irrelevant information get in here?

That's private business, you know.

Eponine was crushed under the weight of eight people.

Most of them were more contented than she was.

That sentence sounded vaguely disturbing.

But nobody cares.

If you do, that's all right.

So do we.

We are nobodies.

And everybodies.

Simply because we can be.

Phear our wrath.

We screw Enjolras.

Simply because we can.

He is a naughty boy.

Yes.

He is.

But once again, that is private information.

It is also irrelevant.

But this whole thing seems to be about mainly irrelevant information.

That really sucks, now doesn't it?

…

But not for free.

Unless you're a sexy, sexy French man.

Or Phantom.

Or Revolutionary.

Or Vicomte.

But only the Patrick Wilson version.

We're getting off the subject.

Back to Eponine.

She is still feeling quite crushed under the weight of eight bodies.

Don't mind how that sounds.

It's your own fault if you think like we do.

We're Authoresses.

It's how we make our money.

Despite the fact that we don't get paid.

There are other ways of earning one's living.

Most of them involve sexy French guys and back rooms of bars.

But we won't go into details.

…

Back to business.

Eponine's nose was broken.

Poor Eponine's nose.

She had to get a nose job to get the swelling down.

That was her sixth nose job that week.

In case you were wondering why she was so poor.

She met Michael Jackson at the surgery office.

She decided she liked him better than Marius.

Just kidding.

Anyways.

The Persian bar girls decided that they had had enough fun for one day.

They got off Valjean and went back to their bar.

This freed Valjean to get off Javert.

This freed Javert to get off Marius.

But he didn't want to.

He was quite comfortable and warm where he was.

This resulted in a rather nasty catfight between Eponine, Cosette, and Javert.

Eponine's nose was still broken.

Then Michael Jackson lent Eponine his nose.

It was enough to scare Javert and Cosette away.

Marius had been knocked unconscious by Javert.

But this was the hot version Javert.

Oh well.

Eponine looked down at Marius.

She seemed to be fighting.

Finally, she decided to give way to her feelings.

She started making out with a bush that was next to Marius.

Well, not just making out.

If we went into details, we'd have to rate this R.

Gavroche was taking pictures with his camera phone.

Eponine said that she was drunk.

But we all know otherwise.

Marius woke up.

He was rather disillusioned.

He started making out with the banana peel.

Because he thought it was Cosette.

He broke out in hives.

We told you he was allergic to banana peels.

For once, we have very relevant information.

Then Eponine decided that the bush was an inadequate partner.

Well, actually it was.

But the bush dumped her.

Because the passion was all on her side.

The bush felt no passion.

It felt the need to make food using photosynthesis.

Eponine could not make food using photosynthesis.

Can you?

You must be the child of Eponine and the bush.

But that will be in another chapter.

Anyways.

Eponine and Marius started making out.

Eponine got hives.

We don't know for sure if you can catch hives.

But you can now.

It serves our purposes.

Because we screw Enjolras.

But we've been into that.

Then Marius got tired of Eponine.

He went looking for Cosette.

They made out.

Rather loudly, might we add.

Cosette got hives.

Marius got bored after she got hives.

Because she could not make food using photosynthesis.

He went to Javert.

He's a policeman, Marius reasoned.

Policemen make food using photosynthesis, he thought.

We think he was confusing policemen with plants.

Marius made out with Javert anyway.

Javert got hives.

Then Jean Valjean got hives.

No one knows quite why.

He just did.

In the end, Enjolras was the only one who didn't get hives.

That's because he was at the Persian bar.

He was rather occupied.

With three other people.

The three people happened to be female.

The three females were also rather occupied with him.

At the same time.

But those four were having a great time.

Can't say anything for the rest of the Amis.

It turns out that Marius should have made out with Enjolras.

Because Enjolras can make food using photosynthesis.

That's probably why the bar girls find him so attractive.

What are the odds of that?


End file.
